Unity is a word used to silence. Surprised? Me too. But it’s been on my mind a lot lately. And unity sounds beautiful in theory. After all, if we’re working toward the same goal, why shouldn’t we be unified in our approach? Well, there’s the answer right there--unified should describe the shared goal, not the approach! Instead of recognizing that differences enhance and beautify, the word unity is often tossed around as a bullying tactic…..one used to “get everyone on the same page” or remind the dissenting voice that we need to be “unified,” which is really code for not being open to discussion, only agreement. It becomes code to silence different voices, different perspectives, different ways of doing things, different ways of seeing the same puzzle.
Harmony, on the other hand, should be the approach. Harmony allows all voices to blend together into something beautiful---without the intent of making them sound the same!! Harmony is what brings all the different voices, perspectives, ways of doing, and ways of seeing into one beautiful--and unified--place. In musical terms, harmony appreciates the reverberation of the bass drum, the flutter of the flute, the call of the trumpet. The saxophonist knows their music to play and does not try to be the trombonist, nor does anyone expect them to. They each have their music, their way of playing, their parts of the whole.
Harmony--and therefore unity--requires us to know who we are. Harmony requires us to know our part to play and where it fits in the grand scheme. When we are living in toxic relationships, it is often because we don’t know--or have forgotten--our true self. We wonder why we aren’t feeling the unity that we’ve been taught relationships should have, the unity we so desperately crave. And since toxic and unhealthy relationships usually started as beautiful love stories with a charming prince, we often think that we were the one that did something to make things change. If we’ve been living with criticism or given a catalog of traits that would make us more loveable, we don’t dismiss those things as the lies they are and instead bend over backwards trying to be less of what was criticized (even when it’s not real) and more of those traits that would supposedly make the prince love us again. In other words, we try and fit ourselves into a mold that we were never meant to be in! We give up our own beautiful voice in the name of keeping the peace, earning affection, being part of a unified team, and, in many cases, a desperate hope that if we just act in unity, we won’t be talked down to, yelled at, criticised, berated, ignored, or beaten.
I could never find unity in my former relationships, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I tried to contort myself into the desired mold, it was never enough. And it would never be enough because harmony was not valued--my voice was not valued. And worse? I actually contributed to that devaluation by trying to be something I wasn’t. I devalued myself by not knowing or trusting myself enough to speak up. I let someone else decide who I should be, and I let them decide when I wasn’t living up to that unattainable model and I let them make me feel like nothing because I wasn’t what they said I should be. And instead of valuing myself enough to leave that situation, I stayed in the name of unity and that unified voice became something that no longer resembled anything good--for either of us.
Harmony--and therefore unity--starts with us knowing who we are and valuing our own voice. It starts with us using our voice and standing strong in knowing it is okay to have a different voice, to have a different view. We were all created to bring different voices to the table, whatever the table. We were created to bring our own true self to our relationships--to bring our WHOLE selves to our relationships--to create something new together and not just to be a part of someone else’s world. We were created to have our own values, characteristics, drives, and goals. Knowing these things about ourselves is how we live in harmony and stop silencing our voices in the name of unity. And the amazing part? It’s never too late. Learning who you truly are and practicing the confidence to live as your true self because you value your own voice will change your entire life, and will change the way you show up in your current relationship or any future ones. It did for me, and it will for you.
Are you ready to dive in and get clear about your values? To get clear about who you are and how to value yourself enough to create the life you love? Schedule a free call today to learn more about how the Wild Radiant Love Signature coaching program is designed to do just that!